As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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