I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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