How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
