Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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