I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
