I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
