i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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