Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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