If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
