I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
