o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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