I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
