i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize