when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My dick has a subreddit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize