The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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