You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
