Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
