Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
