my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
