Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
