We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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