Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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