I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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