Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
