Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
