the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
