I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
