I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
