I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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