There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
