John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
