She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
