My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize