My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
