i need an iv and a liver transplant
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
