I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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