I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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