Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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