I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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