I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
