if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
