Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize