sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
