Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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