no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
