He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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