is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
