hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
