He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
