I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
