Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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