we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
