My underwear smells like fireworks.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
