So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
