there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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