I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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